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A word vomit, borderline diary entry about how a last-minute concert changed my life. By Arnashia Gray
Billie Eilish’s “Hit Me Hard and Soft” Album released May 17, 2024
On Nov. 6, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend Billie Eilish’s “Hit Me Hard and Soft Tour” in Nashville. And I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
This was one of those shows where I had to go into purchasing the tickets with a “money is temporary, memories are forever” mindset. Both myself and the friend I attended the show battled back and forth about if we should save our money or just bite the bullet and get the tickets.
I have so many regrets about shows that I wish I would’ve gone to and could've gone to had I just set my practicality aside and said “YOLO.”
And I can now say — hopefully without getting too philosophical — that I genuinely don’t know how I could’ve lived my life without having experienced that specific show.
And I’m so happy that for whatever reason I finally let go and let myself attend this show, because for me it truly was more than just a concert — it was an experience.
Confetti falls at the Billie Eilish’s “Hit Me Hard and Soft Tour,” in Nashville Nov. 6 (Arnashia Gray/Writer)
For some context, I have always been a fan of Billie Eilish. I remember listening to “Ocean Eyes” for the first time in middle school and losing my little 12 year old mind.
From there I listened to her EP “Don’t Smile At Me,” which went platinum in my house, even if my peers at the time had no idea what it was.
I also listened to her first studio album “When We All Fall Asleep Where Do We Go,” which I listened to all the way through with my friend on the bleachers during PE — very emo I know.
Billie Eilish’s EP “Don’t Smile At Me,” released December 22, 2017
But for a while after that I had become a pretty passive listener. Especially during and post-high school, during the release of her second album “Happier Than Ever.” I feel like the release of that album passed me by. Not because I was no longer a fan but simply because it didn’t resonate with me at that period in my life.
Billie Eilish’s “Happier Than Ever” Album, released July 30, 2021
In hindsight, I can understand why 16 year old me didn’t find relatability in “Happier than Ever,” and why 20 year old me does.
I find myself engaging specifically with music that I find relatable at current points in my life. And I believe that's why “Don't Smile at Me” and “When We All Fall Asleep Where Do We Go,” hit me so hard for me at 12 and 13.
Billie Eilish’s “When We All Fall Asleep Where Do We Go” Album, released March 29, 2019
Now after seeing her live, I wish I could go back in time and immerse myself in her music and be on the journey with its release as it happened in real time.
Being at the concert felt like seeing an old friend and the last perception you have of them is the person you knew at the time. But in the years you missed, they’ve lived an entire life and the person before you isn’t quite the same as the person you once knew.
The Billie I witnessed on stage was no longer the same Billie on my playlist in 2018. And for me, that was representative of the person I was when I was listening to her in the past and the person I am now after having experienced more of life.
“Hit Me Hard and Soft” is brutally honest and truthfully a little bit painful to listen to because you can hear the truth and vulnerability in the lyrics. So hearing songs like “Wildflower” and “The Greatest” was genuinely transformative, because even though they weren’t my words or my experiences I still felt them as if they were my own.
The show also felt special because it felt like it was not only therapeutic for the audience — myself especially — but also for Billie.
The entire energy of the day was gloomy, due to the events that had transpired that morning. And during a break between songs Billie expressed that earlier that day she couldn’t fathom even doing a show that night in light of recent events. But later remembered what a privilege it is to do so.
She then surprised the audience with a cover of “Yesterday” by the Beatles, which in my opinion felt like a hesitant decision but ultimately was so necessary in that moment. Music is such a universal form of expression and even though they weren’t her words, you could still feel the emotion behind each one.
She later performed “Your Power,” a song that had been on the set list anyways, but hit so much harder that night. It’s a song I used to love and then slowly left my musical rotation and hearing it again with a newer perspective on life was an amazing experience.
Eilish talks to the crowd before performing “When the Party’s Over” in Nashville, Nov. 6. (Arnashia Gray/ writer)
There were many notable moments during the show — the entire thing was notable to me. But I feel that one of the most important and impactful moments was during “TV,” when the performance was abruptly cut short during the middle of a verse, the lights went off, the room went silent and Billie left the stage.
You could feel the shift and anxiety in the room because no one had any idea what was going to happen next.
The show continued on as normal but that pause and moment of silence said so much without saying anything at all. It was a brave choice on Billie’s part and even though she had already shared her feelings about the situation during another break between songs, it was this moment that I feel really brought everyone out of the trance of the concert and back into reality.
I honestly felt guilty even attending the show that day because it felt like such a selfish thing to be enjoying myself when there was so much uncertainty. But hearing an artist like Billie be vulnerable and honest in a room of 20,000 people helped me to feel peace about my own internal guilt and feelings.
Regardless of the events that had transpired prior, the concert would have been amazing. Billie’s abilities as a performer are admirable and her connection with the crowd is unmatched.
And whoever was in charge and/or involved in her set design deserves an entire article solely dedicated to them. The visuals and lighting were spectacular and there truly was not a “bad” seat in the house — and I say that as someone who sat in the nosebleeds.
Visuals during Eilish’s performance of “Ocean Eyes,” in Nashville, Nov. 6.
However, I don’t know that I can say I would’ve felt this strongly had I attended any other show. It was a last minute decision for me to be there but it felt like I was meant to be. It felt like I had discovered a new artist even though I had been listening to her for years.
If this experience has taught me anything it’s to let go and enjoy experiences as they come. Opportunities don’t come around often but the memories are forever.
I’ll overthink a little less the next time I plan to buy a ticket.
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